New challenges…
Who might have thought that starting a new chapter could be so challenging? And I’m not talking about a simple book even thou today reading a book is not that easy anymore. I’m talking about the book of life with new chapters which could shift your entire system.
Trying to adapt in a new country has never been a piece of cake. Even thou it might look tasty and yummy at first glance, one might realize soon enough it’s not that comfy.
First there is the language barrier, the basic way of communication.
Determined as I like to think I am, I attended a few intensive German classes at a language school in Berlin. It was not like I started from the beginning, but nevertheless the challenges were there. Classes every morning, homework every afternoon, the whole student package again. It gets more interesting thou when you realize you don’t study because you have to pass an exam or please a parent or a teacher, but rather because you are mature enough to see the utility in it.
However, school is like a nest for its students, the minute you get out in the world, the reality strikes. People are talking fast and swallow letters or sounds, approach heavy topics of discussion like politics or the latest trend in art, so it takes just a few moments till I felt like an outsider. I was literary afraid to open my mouth because of my limited vocabulary, foreign pronunciation and correctable grammar. The train would easily pass my station till I could find my words to express my point of view.
So I gave it up, found some practical duties to hang around. Unfortunately that didn’t help. Besides feeling like an outsider, I felt dumb around intelligent people who would talk for hours about lots of themes. And wait, it can get worst I felt neglected by my husband who was trying to be a good host and entertain the guests.
Who would have thought that not knowing a language well enough could make me feel so bad about myself, probably reactivating other wounds of self esteem and too little appreciation? Where was that charming woman who could talk about anything, laughing and making smart jokes, finding her words easily? No track of her…lost in translation.
I needed to step out of the whole scene, observe myself and accept my limits. Easier said than done. I soon realized I needed to share my insecurities with my partner, making him aware of my feelings and moods. I claimed my share of attention back!
So, who takes care of whom now…?