This tricky subconscious.
The worst thing for a mom is to see her kid suffer, to see her kid ill. This scenario could make her blind to any other joy of life, any other beautiful sunsets or sunrises.
First you listen to your instinct, try to be realistic and see if it’s a real threat, even if sometimes panic can blur your sight. But somehow you find strength and fight all the enemies, all infections, bacteria or even fever. The relief if very sweet when you realize you succeeded and your kid is well again. It’s a team work actually; your kid is strong enough to overcome the problem as well.
But what happens if nobody really finds the problem, if the threat is so sly and mean that goes up to the brain and changes his behavior?
At first, when the kid is small (baby or toddler) you put the blame on age and ongoing emotional and nervous development, then you blame the insomnia on day time fears, quite normal to most of the kids.
Then comes kindergarten with separation fears, bulling and other integration issues. The nightmares persist and you hope that one day your kid will sleep a whole night, calm and peaceful.
What the adults do
Never mind that you and your partner have not slept in ages, that your life together has degraded so much that you feel like two strangers. You came slowly to the point when you barely see each other not to mention be aware of each others’ feelings. No wonder, everyone looks for ways out, external validation, work suppress or maybe just a breath of fresh air outside home, country or marriage.
Whose fault is that? No one actually or everybody’s.
The last to be blamed is the kid, who does not understand why he cannot have a good night sleep and is totally confused why his parents have to separate. Of course parents seek the kid’s best interest and try to spend quality time with him showing their unconditional love and avoid too much spoiling. These responsible parents replace expensive material presents with interesting trips and cultures to broaden their kid’s perspective.
You could say they are so called intellectuals, read a lot about parenting, talk to specialists and are trying to balance their life as well. Soon new partners show up, people full of understanding, with big hearts. For a moment, life seems brighter and the sun starts to shine on their street again.
But the insomnia of the kid who has turned 7 already continues. The crisis of the former toddler have turned into big screams and protests against adults who put the poor kid to do his homework or try to make him a little bit more responsible.
When grandparents come along
In this common scenario, grandparents are also present. They try to be more helpful, supportive and keep their important role in the family. Despite usual conflicts between generations with disagreements around kid’s education and manners, they all try to find solutions and common ground, for kid’s sake.
Except that nobody sees the growing fears of the kid who have turned into phobia and less joy of life. He is very nervous and moody, not eager to play with other kids, has difficulties making friends, hates school and homework, even rejects sports and smiles less and less. He embraces his dependency on parents and grandparents and is not comfortable confronting his fears.
What is there to be done, besides taking care?